happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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