I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize