I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
