I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
