nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
