you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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