I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
