you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
