I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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