im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's blow job season.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
