When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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