please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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