From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
