I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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