just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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