I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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