Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
