Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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