Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
