i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
