Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Operation Purity has been aborted
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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