I need to stop coming to work sober
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
