you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
