everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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