I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
