You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
