I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
