I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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