when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
