Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
