You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
