Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
