I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize