i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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