i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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