If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
