i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
