***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
