I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
