people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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