where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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