Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
