I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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