I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
