Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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