You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
