Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
