How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
