my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
