The maid of honor just puked.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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