Im at strip club and am horny
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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