so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
