She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I want to fling myself into the sun
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
