i barfeds in our rink
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
