I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
