you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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