piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
