When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
